2026-05
May sharing
Last Saturday, Hualian took the practitioners from the Philadelphia Center on a spring outing to the gardens at Winterthur. It had been a long time since I had allowed myself to delight in such radiant springtime. Not long ago, when the weather had only just begun to soften and, in the barren cold wind, there would occasionally appear the faint scent of spring, I told Xiangjun that I was afraid of the spring. In the past, whenever I felt even a trace of spring’s warmth amid academic pressure and the uncertainty of life, I would think of the rows upon rows of gravestones I had seen around the Qingming festival. I feared the brief beauty of this human world. I turned to music, hoping to find in it something that might remain in this impermanent life. Music that grips the heart can soothe one’s sorrows for a time, but it cannot unravel the cocoon that traps the heart. Yet I have been extraordinarily fortunate. Hualian’s piano festival gave me the special opportunity to encounter Zen. There, following Guangming in meditation, I found—somewhere between relaxation and concentration—the most important direction in my life. I have always loved the teaching that “everything that exists is like dreams, illusions, bubbles, and shadows.” I wanted to believe that behind this impermanent world there is a Pure Land that neither arises nor ceases. But when I first began practicing, aside from these tenacious beliefs, I had very few true Zen experiences. It was not until I went to California to attend the annual retreat and, after two and a half days of purification and stillness, discovered that I could directly feel the true joy of Zen without passing through the conscious mind, that I began to understand what practice is really about. I practiced for three years without a meditation center, and at last, I finally found a spiritual home through Hualian’s founding of the Philadelphia Zen Meditation Center. When the lease for the center had just been signed, I was taking classes in Boston. When I arrived in Philadelphia that evening, I suddenly felt that the whole city had changed. Both Zen and Heart Chakras were filled with energy, and my heart felt wonderfully light. It was the first time in my life that I felt genuine love for this city. With or without a meditation center, I was still the same person: the conscious mind running on in a dense, unbroken stream and never stopping, the Sacrum Chakra aching, procrastination clinging to me, and whenever I became so tired that I could barely get up, I would put myself on an indefinite holiday. But as long as I was at the meditation center, with the help of Shifu, the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, I could more quickly endure that bewilderment of being unable to resonate with my true heart. I gradually realized that the suffering one must go through will come sooner or later; once it has been endured, body and mind become a little more relaxed and lucid. But one cannot expect that feeling of purity to remain. One can only try, in the midst of life, to be more wholehearted and to be in sync with that pure energy. I once had many thoughts about sharing the Zen teachings. For a time, I believed it to be the more important mission, and in doing so I neglected my responsibility to fulfill my worldly duties. Once, when I was speaking with Hualian about the reason for this, I said, “I feel that I need to go and search for an answer.” Hualian asked me what my question actually was, and I could not answer. Another time I said that I needed to do meritorious deeds to free myself from suffering. Hualian told me that no one should share the teachings with the intent of gaining something. I kept making mistakes, and again and again I had to step out of the state of being certain that I was right, only to discover, helplessly, the limits of my own understanding. And so I gradually came to see that my suffering sprang from the unrealistic cravings and pride hidden within my ideals about life. They had trapped me for a very long time. When I became willing to step out of them, I began to see the hard-won joys in my life: being able to follow Shifu and practice with true Zen instructions, being given the opportunity to help uphold the meditation center, being accompanied by the care and affection of Zen practitioners, and, under Hualian’s guidance and the blessing of the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, being admitted to a Doctor of Music Art program and receiving funding. There is so much in my life to be grateful for. I am very glad that I have found my own path, and that I can now return to life with peace in my heart, giving full attention both to my own responsibilities and to the activities of the meditation center. Zen has brought ease into my life. At last, I can walk among the blossoms and rest in the spring light, rather than spending my life trapped in a cocoon woven from endless thoughts in resistance to impermanence.
